Why I risked it all

A thought occurred to me that was somewhat disturbing. That someone, who has changed my life drastically, could exit my life very soon. The worst part is that she wouldn't even know how important she was to me.

I'm even more worried that she has all these negative impressions of me that aren't true. I wish she would have known me before I began the most difficult year of my life.

It's incredible that I've almost lost my sense of humor and pleasantness that previously emitted from me. It has been temporarily replaced with anxiety, extreme temptations and hopelessness. Luckily, the year is almost up, and around the corner I will finally be able to get back on the track of life.

I digress. I wanted you to know the real reason why I asked you out. It wasn't because you're incredibly beautiful or a fantastic singer (it sure helps though).

It's because you "get it." I'll explain what I mean in a second.

Well, first of all, there has to be a natural attraction and I understand that it's a two way street.

Anyway, you get it. What do I mean? You're the first woman I've met that lives her life for Christ. Everyone else is either the part timer, the sensationalist, or the oblivious.

You recognize that God is the King of Kings. He belongs on the throne of your life. Most people sit on the throne and God is only a part of their life.

I keep thinking about what Christopher West talks about in regards to lust. Lust is the inordinate desire for heaven. People are running around trying to find God through the disorder of lustfulness.

I want to expand off this concept and apply it to desire of being with someone. How the unitive factor enters the two into a piece of heaven. (It's been awhile since I studied the Theology of the Body, so I may have forgotten or added something.)

It's sort of what happened when I met you. I can feel God through your example and how you live your life. If you never experienced it yourself, then it might not make any sense to you. It was like the NET retreat. I wasn't able to feel tired for 3 days because of God's love surging through me. I actually got sick of being so blissful.

There are a lot of women that I see and find attractive. It usually lasts a day or two, since it's nothing more than superficial attraction. You were much different.

I wanted someone that takes this life seriously. That realizes life isn't a game. It's a fight for souls. This world is in serious trouble and to just coast through isn't going to cut it. I can't return to the life that embodied me before. I was a Catholic that didn't want to do anything for God, except say the rosary and go to Mass. I want so much more and I want to find someone that isn't afraid to embrace the life Christ is trying to give them. Even if it means given up everything. Even if it means accepting any trial that is put in front of them.

I want the bar raised. I want my children to feel that saying a complete rosary is being lukewarm. That get depressed when they can't make it to adoration. That love listening to Christian music and praising God constantly in the home. Who love watching Fr. Corapi, reading the lives of the saints, studying the Catechism and so much more.

That's why I asked you out and why it's been so hard to get over you (which I almost am now). I felt you were the only woman that would truly sacrifice this life for the sake of making God everything in the home.

As for me, I'm trying so hard to get to that level. I want my wife to feel that nothing is lacking in her relationship with me. I want her to talk amongst her friends and when they complain about how their husbands aren't being real men, she can feel reassured that she chose the right person to marry.

That's why I risked it all. I knew that if you said no, then it would be awkward between us for a long time. I'm thankful that I'm finally able to talk to you as a friend. I also understand now, that finding someone totally devoted to God, isn't all that is needed for marriage.

I feel I was blind sided by the opportunity to finally devote myself, and my future family, totally to Christ. I recognize now that while it's very important to find someone devout, it doesn't negate the other areas when finding that special someone. I realize now that we're too different personality wise. Although I desire to be the extreme extrovert, there is no amount of effort on my part that can change me into one.

That's all I wanted to say and I hope for the best in your life.